Letter to a Friend

Hello friend,

Or should I say former friend? Ex friend? What does it even matter? This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were always going to be friends. Right? I mean isn’t that what we all think when we first start a friendship? That it is the greatest thing in the world and you get close and you tell each other things and they become your whole life. You talk every single day. And suddenly you can’t see life without them. Why does life do this? Why do we ever even care about others? Don’t they always hurt you? It’s said in some cases it’s worth the pain they put you through. I call bull crap. It’s a load of crap and everyone knows it. But what is a life without friends?

hurt2

I mean it was just going to be a break. But then you deleted me as a friend on Facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram and Twitter, To make matters even more painful for me you blocked me too. The break was only supposed to be us not talking as much. Limiting our interaction so we could figure out what the hell is wrong with us. Where we took a step back and tried to fix the issues, that were forming, from a different angle. Well that was a load of crap. But it always is. I knew it was. Breaks almost always mean the end.

Though you hurt me, everything isn’t your fault. As much as I’d love to say it is, I mean I’m to blame too. It would be wrong to blame it all on you and I’m not like that. As I delete our stupid Instagram messages, I ache. This WASN’T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!! Becasue of our issues the depression I thought I had defeated came back and it bit me hard. My anxiety is higher than it’s been in months. Of course I know it was because of you. You did this to me! No, that’s mean. It’s not all your fault. There was plenty of times that I didn’t react appropriately. I got angry over things I never should have allowed myself to get angry over. Which of course resulted in a mind frame that allowed the depression and anxiety to come back and haunt me. It began to cave in and now this is what we are: shambles of what we used to be. It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that I messed it up too. It hurts to think.

Never think me admitting my wrongfulness in this situation as a reprieve for everything you’ve done. You’ve done plenty too. I’ve felt used, ignored, hurt, like a commodity, like a second choice. I’ve only felt that stronger throughout this friendship. I should have just told you. Just talked to you and told you what was wrong. But I was afraid. Afraid of exactly this. That we’d stop being friends. So I held my tongue. Why did I do that?! I shouldn’t have done that. I let myself get upset. Hoping that the feelings and hurts would pass and we could go back to like what we had. You thought it would be a simple fix too. You were wrong. I knew it wouldn’t be but I pretended that it could be. I’m sorry I just didn’t speak up.

We had so many good days as friends, before the dark clouds came in and ruined everything. I’m very mad at you. I want to scream and I want to cry. I hurt deeper than I have in quite a while. You probably do too. I just want to let you know of the positive thing you gave back to me. Hurt and angry and I am very grateful of this thing. One thing that I will always remember. Writing. You gave me my love for writing back. I had given it up. Never thought I was good enough to write but now I can’t live without it. I wrote a book and published it because you gave me the courage to write again. You helped me find it again after it had been gone for so long. Thank you for that.

If you ever actually read this I want you to know a few things. You’re probably pissed I wrote you this letter. I just want you to know. Maybe all this is good, maybe you can start growing more as a person. Maybe you’ll stand up for yourself. Maybe I had started holding you back.When I said take a step back I didn’t mean this. I just want you to know that. Also, you are capable of more than you think. I may be dying inside but I still believe in you. I care about you. I want you to stand up for yourself and I want you to fight for the life you are supposed to have. No more half ass life. I hope you learn how to be happy in yourself and not others or the circumstances around you. You’re stronger than you believe and I will miss you. Goodbye. Perhaps we’ll meet again, or maybe it’s goodbye forever. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. I’m sorry it did.

hurt1

 

3 Comments on “Letter to a Friend

  1. I loved reading this post because it resonated with me deeply. I have lost many friends over the years. In some ways it is harder than a breakup. Friendships tend to go on much longer than a relationship – in my experience.
    I have had friends disappear once they settle down or friends who just stop caring. It is such a sting. It is an opposition of being completely mad at them, but at the same time, not being mad enough to want them to fail.
    Thank you for such a relatable post. I do not think people talk enough about friendships. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment. I’ve been feeling lonely and it is always comforting when other’s can relate. Yeah, I want to so angry but I’m still so stunned. But It’s true friendship breakups are the worst.

      Liked by 1 person

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